Something that really annoys me on the open road, more than traffic wombles of course, is people who seem to have got it into their minds that overtaking me at 90miles per hour and then slowing down to 40 is a good idea. I would like to stress, here and now, that this is neither big nor clever and that people who condone such activities are either bad, mad, or American. One of the biggest culprits in this never-gets-old endeavour is the BMW, more specifically, the elite cars of the BMW M division.
It has long since been established by Top Gear that people who drive such cars only have a passion for one thing in life, and that thing is speed. They crave it like Pete Doherty craves cocaine, they need it, they adore it. And it seems that now there is a speed camera every 12 inches on the motorway, the only way they can get their fix is to viciously overtake me. But despite how much I hate the person driving, how very much I want them to spontaneously combust on the hard shoulder, I can’t help but admire their cars. The boys down at the M division of BMW really know how to tinker with a car. And the tinkering doesn’t get any better than in the BMW M3, a car that I am quite sure, is the scariest thing, in the entire world.
Whilst the M3, and BMW’s in general have been branded by some as “wa**ers” cars, I cannot help but have respect for such an awesome machine. The 5 litre engine that rests in the belly of this awesome beast is enough to give it 420hp, and is ferocious –and thirsty- enough to propel it to 60 in a back-breaking 4.6 seconds. However, all technicalities aside, there is one thing I really don’t like about the M3, and I’m sorry, but it’s the styling. My point is that unless you know your cars well, unless you are well up to date with the technical specs, the M3 is just going to look like another car, just another grey saloon on just another road, with just another person sitting behind the wheel. The problem is that the M3 is so much more than that, it has the potential to be a great car, and it is a great car under the hood, I just feel that the styling lets the whole performance down. A car must work flawlessly, with each component doing its job in unison with every other part. But because the styling on the M3 is, I feel, a bit rushed, the whole car experience is put in jeopardy.
Now don’t get me wrong, BMW haven’t dropped the ball completely, they’ve still left subtle hints that the M3 has all the power in the world locked away inside, those headlights for instance, give the car a sinister, maniacal feel. It stares at you like a psychopath, willing you, daring you, to get inside and take it for a spin.
So I’ve found it hard to come to a conclusion on the M3. On the one hand, I still feel the styling lets the whole car down, but I can see why BMW designed it the way they did, leaving those sleek, subtle reminders of the awesome potential of this car. In future then I won’t mind when you come along, and you will, and overtake me doing 120 on the motorway. I won’t mind, I will in fact smile and wave. Because you are driving a truly awesome car, a fantastic sounding symphony of perfection. As you cruise past I will feel gladdened that you have sailed ahead along the open road. And deep down, deep inside, I’ll be hoping that the next thing you pass by at 120, is a speed camera.
Saturday, 22 November 2008
Spawn of the Devil - The G Wiz
Cars, I have long since believed, are like pets. They provide us with so much joy, they can give us a very bad headache when something goes wrong with them, and, when something does go wrong, they both leave inconspicuous little puddles of goodness-knows-what in the middle of the road. The car then is for me not so much a mode of transport, but rather a necessity of life. Without my car, I am nothing, without me, my car; well, it’s still a car, but it won’t be going anywhere fast. My point here is that we go through most of our lives with our four-wheeled friends, and we share the good times, and the bad. Now by far the best pet to have is one that doesn’t need much maintenance, and one that is also comparably cheap. So ladies and gentlemen, tonight I present you with what must be the cheapest and lowest maintenance car in the world. A big round of applause then, for the G-Wiz.
This is not so much a car as an armchair you can drive. It is manufactured by the well known and well respected boffins at the Reva Electric Car Company. And the thing I find most astonishing about this car is that you don’t actually get an engine, as such. What you actually get, is a small hamster called Gerald; and if Gerald runs around his little wheel very fast, he’ll get you from 0-40mph in about 4 weeks. If you haven’t guessed yet I really don’t like this, well, you can’t really call it a car can you? Because that would just be insulting to the people who have genitalia and spend their time working on an industry that is actually worthwhile. Yes, I understand that the Wiz might be really very useful in London; I understand that it develops zero carbon emissions. But answer me this, if you were driving in London, in a G Wiz, would you really feel good?
The point I am making here is a simple one. The reason I drive a little too fast and I spend a little too much on my car is to feel like a proper man, you know, one of those big men you see on the telly, playing rugby or football and doing manly things. But to me, a student journalist living off less than your average checkout-assistant, that is an impossible dream. And so at the weekends, along with many others, I can be found driving at 80 along the motorways, just to feel a little bit alive. In the Wiz this simply wouldn’t happen. Outwardly, when you tell people about your new 200 Amp per hour green-mobile, they will tell you that you are “doing your bit!” for the earth, ad that as a result of your purchase, the Hungarian lesser-spotted Panda will live a little bit longer. But inside, where it matters, they will be laughing at you, because you will have just made a stupendously daft decision. The G Wiz is ugly, unreliable, slow, doesn’t work, has crap styling, has tyres that are way too thin, and, as Top Gear has already proven, is no use as a remote controlled car.
Now I’m going to be bold here and make a statement. And I know supporters of the Mini Clubman will thank me for this one. You are no longer bottom of the ladder, there is something worse than you, and G, I bet you can’t guess what it is. Now fans of the Wiz will proclaim that the slightly odd styling and the less than cost is a small price to pay for healing the world. But hold on, Top Gear has been to the North Pole, and as they proved, Global Warming is nothing but an April fool’s joke concocted by Al Gore and his slack-jawed brethren.
This car is awful, and there is simple no other word for it. But by all means, if you are a committed eco-mentalist with an IQ of 4 and the physical attributes of a bag of cement then please, go ahead, buy one. It just means more supercars for the rest of us really...
This is not so much a car as an armchair you can drive. It is manufactured by the well known and well respected boffins at the Reva Electric Car Company. And the thing I find most astonishing about this car is that you don’t actually get an engine, as such. What you actually get, is a small hamster called Gerald; and if Gerald runs around his little wheel very fast, he’ll get you from 0-40mph in about 4 weeks. If you haven’t guessed yet I really don’t like this, well, you can’t really call it a car can you? Because that would just be insulting to the people who have genitalia and spend their time working on an industry that is actually worthwhile. Yes, I understand that the Wiz might be really very useful in London; I understand that it develops zero carbon emissions. But answer me this, if you were driving in London, in a G Wiz, would you really feel good?
The point I am making here is a simple one. The reason I drive a little too fast and I spend a little too much on my car is to feel like a proper man, you know, one of those big men you see on the telly, playing rugby or football and doing manly things. But to me, a student journalist living off less than your average checkout-assistant, that is an impossible dream. And so at the weekends, along with many others, I can be found driving at 80 along the motorways, just to feel a little bit alive. In the Wiz this simply wouldn’t happen. Outwardly, when you tell people about your new 200 Amp per hour green-mobile, they will tell you that you are “doing your bit!” for the earth, ad that as a result of your purchase, the Hungarian lesser-spotted Panda will live a little bit longer. But inside, where it matters, they will be laughing at you, because you will have just made a stupendously daft decision. The G Wiz is ugly, unreliable, slow, doesn’t work, has crap styling, has tyres that are way too thin, and, as Top Gear has already proven, is no use as a remote controlled car.
Now I’m going to be bold here and make a statement. And I know supporters of the Mini Clubman will thank me for this one. You are no longer bottom of the ladder, there is something worse than you, and G, I bet you can’t guess what it is. Now fans of the Wiz will proclaim that the slightly odd styling and the less than cost is a small price to pay for healing the world. But hold on, Top Gear has been to the North Pole, and as they proved, Global Warming is nothing but an April fool’s joke concocted by Al Gore and his slack-jawed brethren.
This car is awful, and there is simple no other word for it. But by all means, if you are a committed eco-mentalist with an IQ of 4 and the physical attributes of a bag of cement then please, go ahead, buy one. It just means more supercars for the rest of us really...
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