This week, the multi-million pound franchise known as Big Brother opened its gates to the nation, with a fresh new series and a reassuring new look. Millions of viewers tuned in for the live launch, with many more watching the action online. We watched as 16 new housemates entered what has become the most talked about house in Britain. But here's the thing. what the creators of Big Brother have acheived, is simply the best money making scheme in the world. They have found a way to get nearly all of us to watch what is basically 16 people, arguing. And thats no joke, they haven't been in there for 72 hours yet and already the tension inside that house is at breaking point, i'm just waiting for the first murder to take place. It is pointless, it is stupid, and yet...i like it.
You see, the formula that the show has of putting 16 of the most dysfunctional people in Britain in a box for 94 days is, to put it simply, phenominal. And even though i almost feel embarrased to watch the blazing arguments, i somehow cannot look away. Very secretly then, i love Big Brother, but only secretly. Because of i admit to anybody else that i tune in nightly to watch a load of twenty-somethings argue over who burnt the toast, they just might die laughing.
This, in a very round about way, leads me to introduce to you a very British car maker, a group of boys from yorkshire who spent much of their childhood fooling about in sheds. Say hello then, to TVR. And more specificaly, say hello to the remodelled, and remastered TVR Tuscan.
This all new 2008 model was taken back to the drawing board early in the year by TVR, and now returns with a jaw-dropping 380bhp. Now looking on the glamorous and playboy-esque TVR website you come cross a single line in the Tuscan specification that sets your soul on fire. it reads "6-cylinder inline alloy engine with 4 valves per cylinder and dry sump lubrication". Now i have no idea what an inline alloy engine is, or what dry-sump lubrication does, all i know is that i want it. I want it badly, and i want it now. TVR has made a car that excites us on a very primitive level, it gives us the two basic elements that we want from cars, agression and sex appeal. I'm not kidding, if you drive one of these things into any city, you will emerge from the other side having gotten half the population pregnant. The sleek curves and the subtle styling of this car make it unresistable.
But hold on, thjis is aTVR, otherwise known in every other language as "death on wheels". The ferocious engiine is so difficult to contain that it has to be limited to 380bhp. Oh it could go faster, but it would be like playing russian roulette with a fully automatic machine gun. This car is, in a word, insane. And to buy one you would have to be either a) very brave, or b) very stupid. But despite all that, despite all of the warning stickers and the hazard logos, i love this car. It excites me in such a way that i feel ten years old again. Because thats what we want, we want something that makes us quiver the moment we step inside, something that excites the primeval part of our brains. In short, what we want, is something that scares us.
So yes, i know that the Tuscan is "death on wheels", i know it is uneconomical, that it will break down every five miles, and yet, like Big Brother, i secretly adore it. That is why i am sure that, jusat as Big Brother will be, the new Tuscan will be just as big a success as the old one. And thats why, as soon as i possibly can; i'm going to buy one.
Tuesday, 10 June 2008
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
Motoring and Religion...
Faith is a wonderful thing. It has kept religions alive for centuries. It is said that as long as you have faith, you can accomplish anything. It seems a shame then, that this rule does not seem to apply for the members of the car manufacturing industry, who, it would appear, are all aetheist.
Now if this is getting a bit too philosophical for you, let me get straight to the point. go back fifteen or even twenty years, to the late 80's, and you would definately not see the same sorts of cars you see today. No, back then they were all exciting and exhuberant. The Italians had provided us with the Lamborghini Countasch, and Ford had just tested the first version of its brand new Ford GT, the GT40. The newspapers were literally inundated with page after page of adverts, features claiming exctiting new models, and original ideas. And my point here is simple, nearly all of the ideas that were put forward for testing, those same ideas that appeared on television and in the paper. well, they all got made.
Now leap back into the present. Notice anything different? We still see the same adverts in magazines and newspapers, for the new models and for the original ideas, the only difference is that nobody is making them anymore, none of the manufacturers, those same car makers who, in years gone by, gave us some real triumphs. But why? Now don't take this the wrong way, but the answer may be that its all our own fault.
You see, in the past, people were much easier to please. as long as the car had four doors and a motor of some kind, the masses were happy. But as time went on, motorists got used to a certain standard of car, and any model that failed to meet the mark, well, it just wasn't bought, by anyone. A prime example of this was the Zastava Yugo. Never heard of it? I'm not suprised. In the ’80s the Yugo was marketed as a car that would fit everyone’s life. It was supposed to be the secondary car that everyone had to have; a winter beater or just a daily driver that was fuel efficient and easy on the road. One of the marketing slogans was "Everybody needs a Yugo sometimes.” Everybody needs a trip to the doctor sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we enjoy it. And driving the Yugo was hardly enjoyable. It failed to meet the benchmark of the modern motorist, and because of that, it tumbled slowly out of existence.
Now people are so difficult to please, that unless a car is both well made and fast, and above all affordable, they rarely sell. And thats made the car makers a bit edgy. You see, it costs thousands to put a new car into production, and why waste all that time and money if at the end of it all you can't sell the thing? So now they don't bother. All we end up seeing is a kind of "watered down" version of the original idea. What we need is for a single manufacturer to bring us something genuine, something new. What we need is for the makers to stop being so timid, and have the faith to present us with something revoolutionary. And i'm not just alking about a refined version of an existing car, i'm talking about an entirely new idea. Now until we see that, until we see the manufacturers crawl out from under their rocks and present us with some new material, we're going to be stuck in a rut of old models and zero originality.
So tonight i have two simple words for the car designers of the world, those original thinkers who right now may be on the verge of a gargantuan breakthough, but are just too scared to take it to the boss. Two simple words guys: have faith.
Now if this is getting a bit too philosophical for you, let me get straight to the point. go back fifteen or even twenty years, to the late 80's, and you would definately not see the same sorts of cars you see today. No, back then they were all exciting and exhuberant. The Italians had provided us with the Lamborghini Countasch, and Ford had just tested the first version of its brand new Ford GT, the GT40. The newspapers were literally inundated with page after page of adverts, features claiming exctiting new models, and original ideas. And my point here is simple, nearly all of the ideas that were put forward for testing, those same ideas that appeared on television and in the paper. well, they all got made.
Now leap back into the present. Notice anything different? We still see the same adverts in magazines and newspapers, for the new models and for the original ideas, the only difference is that nobody is making them anymore, none of the manufacturers, those same car makers who, in years gone by, gave us some real triumphs. But why? Now don't take this the wrong way, but the answer may be that its all our own fault.
You see, in the past, people were much easier to please. as long as the car had four doors and a motor of some kind, the masses were happy. But as time went on, motorists got used to a certain standard of car, and any model that failed to meet the mark, well, it just wasn't bought, by anyone. A prime example of this was the Zastava Yugo. Never heard of it? I'm not suprised. In the ’80s the Yugo was marketed as a car that would fit everyone’s life. It was supposed to be the secondary car that everyone had to have; a winter beater or just a daily driver that was fuel efficient and easy on the road. One of the marketing slogans was "Everybody needs a Yugo sometimes.” Everybody needs a trip to the doctor sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we enjoy it. And driving the Yugo was hardly enjoyable. It failed to meet the benchmark of the modern motorist, and because of that, it tumbled slowly out of existence.
Now people are so difficult to please, that unless a car is both well made and fast, and above all affordable, they rarely sell. And thats made the car makers a bit edgy. You see, it costs thousands to put a new car into production, and why waste all that time and money if at the end of it all you can't sell the thing? So now they don't bother. All we end up seeing is a kind of "watered down" version of the original idea. What we need is for a single manufacturer to bring us something genuine, something new. What we need is for the makers to stop being so timid, and have the faith to present us with something revoolutionary. And i'm not just alking about a refined version of an existing car, i'm talking about an entirely new idea. Now until we see that, until we see the manufacturers crawl out from under their rocks and present us with some new material, we're going to be stuck in a rut of old models and zero originality.
So tonight i have two simple words for the car designers of the world, those original thinkers who right now may be on the verge of a gargantuan breakthough, but are just too scared to take it to the boss. Two simple words guys: have faith.
Tuesday, 3 June 2008
Dial 911 For Porsche
This week, like any other, the television has become alive with dramas, comedies, and the occassional stint of Jamie Oliver disembowling a pidgeon. But unlike previous years, the British are currently enjoying a set of drivel described as a "period drama". There's millions of them, all with pretty much the same storyline, old woman has epiphany of some sort, whilst younger daughter seduces rich lord that turns out to be brother, who dies as a result of a previously unmentioned illness, and who, before dying, kills someone. Its utter drivel, and completely pointless. Now you may be waiting for me to launch into a tyrannical rant about how they're all rubbish and how the producers should be hung by their testicles from the nearest lampost. But no, my point tonight, is that however many of these dramas the TV people make, they all, inevitably, turn out to be the same. This, rather conveniently then, leads me on to Porsche, whos design department, i have long since concluded, is the laziest in the entire world.
Now before you all wet your boxters - yes, i made a joke- hear me out. each year the great German car machine churns out yet another rear engined, torque mad sports hatchback, that they say has been retuned, remastered, and fitted with an all new shell, engine, and seatbelts. To the rest of the world however, what they will have actually have given us, is something that is about as useful as a Kia seed, ie, not very. I say this because my family own a Porsche, and so, by right, that entitles us to look through those magazines aimed exclusively at porsche owners. Oh how we sneer at the poor man reading "ford today", as we waltz to the cashier. And inside every such publication, is page upon page of adverts,new 911's, new boxters, new porsches by the barrelful. But heres the thing, i think that those zany Germans may just have invented cloning, because the new 911, the one to launched next year, is exactly the same as our one, nearly 9 years older.
Oh sure, they've added a satnav, and on that basis you could call it new, but to the driver, you might just have well slashed its tires and called it "unique". For the last time, it doesnt matter if a new model has ergonomic brakes, or ceramic seats, or even a diamond encrusted on board-loo, if it doesn't help in the actual buisness of driving, then its useless.
Now ive just called porsche out as one of the big boys, they can take the stick. But the truth is, that this isssue occurs right across the board. What we need is for a single developer to stand up and yell, yes, we have made something differemt, we have met the challenge, because i gurantee you, whoever says that, will be the richest person, in the entire universe...
Now before you all wet your boxters - yes, i made a joke- hear me out. each year the great German car machine churns out yet another rear engined, torque mad sports hatchback, that they say has been retuned, remastered, and fitted with an all new shell, engine, and seatbelts. To the rest of the world however, what they will have actually have given us, is something that is about as useful as a Kia seed, ie, not very. I say this because my family own a Porsche, and so, by right, that entitles us to look through those magazines aimed exclusively at porsche owners. Oh how we sneer at the poor man reading "ford today", as we waltz to the cashier. And inside every such publication, is page upon page of adverts,new 911's, new boxters, new porsches by the barrelful. But heres the thing, i think that those zany Germans may just have invented cloning, because the new 911, the one to launched next year, is exactly the same as our one, nearly 9 years older.
Oh sure, they've added a satnav, and on that basis you could call it new, but to the driver, you might just have well slashed its tires and called it "unique". For the last time, it doesnt matter if a new model has ergonomic brakes, or ceramic seats, or even a diamond encrusted on board-loo, if it doesn't help in the actual buisness of driving, then its useless.
Now ive just called porsche out as one of the big boys, they can take the stick. But the truth is, that this isssue occurs right across the board. What we need is for a single developer to stand up and yell, yes, we have made something differemt, we have met the challenge, because i gurantee you, whoever says that, will be the richest person, in the entire universe...
Car Of The Year 2007
As 2007 draws to a close, we can all gladly take a look back and smile at some of the biggest blunders, bloomers, and balls-ups of the year. We've seen Richard Hammond survive a 330mph crash in a jet car, we've observed with quite satisfaction Mr Blair striding out of number 10, and then fallen crying to the floor as we see his slack-jawed counterpart saunter in. And yes, we've seen some pretty good cars as well, cars like the new Ascari A14, cars like the lambourghini Phaeton, and cars like the new Ford Mondeo, winner of this years Top Gear awards. Well, in a fantastic bit of showboating and general bad-will, ive decided to name my own car of the year, the one automotive friend that, for me at least, won my heart. The one car that i would gladly drive in, die in, be buried in, and finally be reincarnated in. This year its a fantastic car, a truly great acheivement. And its British; yes, this year, the award for automotive top dog goes to.....the Caterham CSR.
This fiesty, two seater has taken a lot of stick over the years, mostly from greenpeace activists gurning "ooohh, its too low to the road, it might cut up a frog" and "Its got an exhaust, therefore the earth is doomed". Now im sorry, but i would gladly give my right arm, my mother, and all the baby seals in the world, just for ten minutes in that thing. Its just godly, in that cockpit, surrounded by racing harnesses, and no roof, you feel like hercules charging towards some distant enemy, that is, you feel bloody fantastic!
And im being serious now, the Caterham is, for lack of a better word, perfectr, the fiesty engine will set you up nicely so that, on the right road, you'll be nudging 170 miles an hour, now that, i think you'll find, is pretty quick. But it's about more than just speed, the Caterham is a car that has so much history, so much character, that it might as wll be a real person. It has what some would call, a soul. And that, for me, is what makes a good car great, its what seperates the mondeos from the ferraris. Any car that can make you feel like a ten year old boy is number one in my books. You could have four mortages, three kids, and a drug problem, and in the Caterham, you just wouldn't care. All that matters is that next turn, that next bend, that next blot in the distance. That ladies and gentlemen, is a true soul car.
And there you have it, my faveourite car of the year is not some 300 mile an hour gut busting, brain belching supercar, but rather a car that has real character, and real soul. Now before most of you sod off and try and find something better to read, just take a minute to think, what is your faveourite car? think of one that has as much soul as the Caterham, as much felling of absolute supremacy over the road. No? Couldnt do it? good, im glad, because that means im right after all...
This fiesty, two seater has taken a lot of stick over the years, mostly from greenpeace activists gurning "ooohh, its too low to the road, it might cut up a frog" and "Its got an exhaust, therefore the earth is doomed". Now im sorry, but i would gladly give my right arm, my mother, and all the baby seals in the world, just for ten minutes in that thing. Its just godly, in that cockpit, surrounded by racing harnesses, and no roof, you feel like hercules charging towards some distant enemy, that is, you feel bloody fantastic!
And im being serious now, the Caterham is, for lack of a better word, perfectr, the fiesty engine will set you up nicely so that, on the right road, you'll be nudging 170 miles an hour, now that, i think you'll find, is pretty quick. But it's about more than just speed, the Caterham is a car that has so much history, so much character, that it might as wll be a real person. It has what some would call, a soul. And that, for me, is what makes a good car great, its what seperates the mondeos from the ferraris. Any car that can make you feel like a ten year old boy is number one in my books. You could have four mortages, three kids, and a drug problem, and in the Caterham, you just wouldn't care. All that matters is that next turn, that next bend, that next blot in the distance. That ladies and gentlemen, is a true soul car.
And there you have it, my faveourite car of the year is not some 300 mile an hour gut busting, brain belching supercar, but rather a car that has real character, and real soul. Now before most of you sod off and try and find something better to read, just take a minute to think, what is your faveourite car? think of one that has as much soul as the Caterham, as much felling of absolute supremacy over the road. No? Couldnt do it? good, im glad, because that means im right after all...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
